As we’re constantly reminded, ‘tis the season to be jolly.
We are supposed to be happy at this time of year, no matter what has happened this year or how we might really feel about it. No pressure then.
Writing about her first post-split Christmas in the Daily Telegraph, London-based lawyer Ayesha Vardag described how she found herself caring for young children alone, in a “pit of despair” and with an empty space at the table.
“How do you make Christmas when your family has collapsed around your ears?” she asked herself.
Such a Christmas can be difficult and confusing. Unrealistic expectations often fuel disappointment. It is helpful to manage your own expectations of the festive season, as well as those of your children, so you all know what to expect. Try not to focus on what’s not in your life any more, but what is and what can be.
It may feel tough to talk to children in advance about how the holidays will look – what will be different and what will remain the same. However, avoiding such conversations can actually be harder for children. They will know that Christmas is coming. Leaving a worrying void around the subject is likely to cause anxiety.
Accept that whatever you do, you cannot make up for the loss of the past. If you try to keep things exactly the same, it will only become more obvious that actually they’re not.
Children, even older ones, tend to be creatures of habit, so observe existing traditions as best you can. However, this is an opportunity to let go of traditions that no longer work for you – and maybe never did. Loved ones will understand that it’s a difficult time for you, so take the opportunity to ring certain changes without anyone feeling offended.
For example, one parent can celebrate with children and wider family on Christmas Eve; the other can do the same on Christmas Day. This could alternate from year to year, so children don’t experience guilt at leaving anyone out.
It can also be helpful to share details of gifts you are buying with your ex and agree to spend roughly the same. Turning Christmas into a competition doesn’t help anyone. If you help your children to buy gifts for your ex and other family members, this sends a message to them about the joy of giving. You can’t get much more Christmassy than that!
This will help them avoid feeling caught in the middle of painful adult issues, strengthening their sense of security. Christmas can still be about sharing. If money is tight, help them make gifts or bake presents.
Try to view things from their point of view. Encourage them to enjoy time with their other parent. Time, attention and support, in the end, will be of far more value to them than costly or flashy gifts.
Remember the needs of relatives, including grandparents. Children may wish to see such special people at Christmas. Don’t let petty disputes or grudges ruin the season for you and others.
If you have become absent as a parent after a split, consider getting in touch with your children at this time. Simply sending a card to wish them well could prove a great gift to yourself as well as them in the long run.
If a break-up leaves you alone at Christmas, don’t be afraid to try something new, like a holiday away or festivities with friends. Don’t hibernate alone. Connect with people.
Look after yourself. Sleep, exercise, eat well and don’t skip supportive routines like therapy appointments.
As Ayesha said: “I was so stuck on my desire to live out a dream of life-long love and a two-parent family, that I hung onto it all long after I should have let it go. Christmas puts all that under a microscope.
“Just doing Christmas made me feel so much stronger and so much less afraid of being alone. What matters is to grab that first Christmas on your own. Don’t just get through it – really make it something you feel proud of.”
Above all, be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack when it comes to mixed emotions, which are only natural.
Reviewing Nina Stibbe’s book, An Almost Perfect Christmas, in the Observer recently, Kate Kellaway said: “I find her emphasis on imperfection, human error and botched efforts uplifting. She wisely advises – ‘Don’t aim for a perfect Xmas, aim for a Xmassy Xmas.”
And remember, our human imperfection can be celebrated forever, not just at Christmas. Enjoy!
Lorna Livingstone works alongside our family team to help clients through difficult times. Lorna trained as a counsellor at Exeter University 15 years ago, and has been in practice ever since. In 2008, she specialised in family work and for the past seven years this has been her area of professional passion.